the girl who loved too much
standing naked in the center of cracked glass,
she studies her reflection with meticulous detail.
searching for eyes of sadness
to match the water in her own,
she stares into holes dripping with anger.
to avoid their judgmental gaze
she glances down to watch her pregnant stomach
spill over her pubic bone.
the sickening truth of her figure
fills her with malaise.
she wishes for the acidic vomit of her fat,
but it never comes.
pinching her stomach she decorates her pale skin
with the crimson pattern of her fingertips.
each flash of pain encourages her to pinch harder,
not deserving pleasure
while trapped in a monster’s costume.
she looks down further
and the bright pink color of her toes has vanished.
the dark spikes of unshaved hair
sprinkle the flesh of her bulging appendages.
her arms as thick as a pretty girl’s leg.
she plasters her face with a smile,
but the truth of her frown erupts
in the lines of shattered glass.
she holds her face still
now forcing confrontation with the mirror.
she must recognize
the mess she’s made of such a beautiful girl.
Blue, Red, Green, Black
the dark colored snakes of emotion
squirm within her.
she prays they will eat the excess of her body
allowing her reflection to be the one she designed in her head.
the snakes have been there all along,
but at this moment they make love to her neck,
timing their orgasms to her last gasp of breath.
she crumples to the floor just to avoid her own reflection.
she hates herself.
frozen, wrapped in the tattered blanket of her depression,
she knows the impossibility of escaping.
desperately she searches for a distraction.
anything to feel happy.
she peels herself off the floor long enough to go outside,
aware of the repercussions her actions will bring.
Cake
Cookies
Candy
Cream Pie.
craving a taste of their entertainment.
she will eat them all.
and while she does,
she will be happy.
a false sense of happiness she knows,
but happy none the less.
the first bites dance gaily in her mouth
and she wonders why she was ever sad.
she feels warm as this edible comfort controls her.
a third of the way through
the food’s sensation switches,
and she is no longer having fun.
ignoring the pleas from her paralyzed body
she methodically shovels spoonfuls into her mouth,
looking ugly as she does so.
glasses of water temporarily repel the waves of nausea.
when the last crumbs are picked off her shirt
she has trouble moving.
pleading with her eyelids for sleep,
needing the sun to grace her with a clean slate.
she hates herself more then before.
as her toothbrush erases the remains of true love,
she glares at the broken reflection
of her whale-shaped body.
both mouths synchronized together
she whispers to no one,
“i promise to starve tomorrow.”
she forgets she said this yesterday.
