DAY 1

So far so good.

Today was the first day of my new life.

I worked out and ate less then 1,000 calories. Not the healthiest, I know but it's a start.

Today is Oscar day, so hopefully some inspiration will arise.

Lets hope for a good tomorrow.

A POEM ABOUT EATING

the girl who loved too much

standing naked in the center of cracked glass,

she studies her reflection with meticulous detail.

searching for eyes of sadness

to match the water in her own,

she stares into holes dripping with anger.

to avoid their judgmental gaze

she glances down to watch her pregnant stomach

spill over her pubic bone.

the sickening truth of her figure

fills her with malaise.

she wishes for the acidic vomit of her fat,

but it never comes.

pinching her stomach she decorates her pale skin

with the crimson pattern of her fingertips.

each flash of pain encourages her to pinch harder,

not deserving pleasure

while trapped in a monster’s costume.

she looks down further

and the bright pink color of her toes has vanished.

the dark spikes of unshaved hair

sprinkle the flesh of her bulging appendages.

her arms as thick as a pretty girl’s leg.

she plasters her face with a smile,

but the truth of her frown erupts

in the lines of shattered glass.

she holds her face still

now forcing confrontation with the mirror.

she must recognize

the mess she’s made of such a beautiful girl.

Blue, Red, Green, Black

the dark colored snakes of emotion

squirm within her.

she prays they will eat the excess of her body

allowing her reflection to be the one she designed in her head.

the snakes have been there all along,

but at this moment they make love to her neck,

timing their orgasms to her last gasp of breath.

she crumples to the floor just to avoid her own reflection.

she hates herself.

frozen, wrapped in the tattered blanket of her depression,

she knows the impossibility of escaping.

desperately she searches for a distraction.

anything to feel happy.

she peels herself off the floor long enough to go outside,

aware of the repercussions her actions will bring.

Cake

Cookies

Candy

Cream Pie.

craving a taste of their entertainment.

she will eat them all.

and while she does,

she will be happy.

a false sense of happiness she knows,

but happy none the less.

the first bites dance gaily in her mouth

and she wonders why she was ever sad.

she feels warm as this edible comfort controls her.

a third of the way through

the food’s sensation switches,

and she is no longer having fun.

ignoring the pleas from her paralyzed body

she methodically shovels spoonfuls into her mouth,

looking ugly as she does so.

glasses of water temporarily repel the waves of nausea.

when the last crumbs are picked off her shirt

she has trouble moving.

pleading with her eyelids for sleep,

needing the sun to grace her with a clean slate.

she hates herself more then before.

as her toothbrush erases the remains of true love,

she glares at the broken reflection

of her whale-shaped body.

both mouths synchronized together

she whispers to no one,

“i promise to starve tomorrow.”

she forgets she said this yesterday.

February 26, 2011 - I WANT TO BE THE HAPPY GIRL

I am a binge eater.

I haven't always been, but I am now. I have always had a love/hate relationship with food: I love it because when I am eating I am happy, I hate it because after I finish I feel ugly. I am tired of feeling ugly. I suppose the bingeing started in September of 2009 when my brother was hit by a car and killed. I found the best way to ignore the pain, was to eat until I hurt.

Food has taken over my life. I always think about it. I always want it. I am letting it control me. After 1,000,000 "I will start my diet tomorrow," I now really mean it.

I am going to blog, perhaps only speaking to myself, as a way to stick to my weight loss plan. I will blog when I feel weak and that I might binge and I will blog when I am proud of my willpower. I am down to my last hope. I need to change my life.

Today I am 20 years old, 5'6" and 160 lbs.

My goal is to reach 125 lbs by June. 35 pounds. I can do it.